I’ve been writing a post almost every other day for a while, but haven’t published any of them. They are all so depressing. I guess that’s what happens when you’re feeling blue.
Quite literally too – feeling blue. I’ve been working on my Vishuddha Quilt and it’s slowly (but beautifully) coming along. It’s such a slow process, but that’s what this quilt is asking for.
The Throat Chakra (Vishuddha) is the 5th major Chakra of the body and it is all about speaking out – speaking your truth. This is something I have difficulty with as I don’t really even know what my truth is.
I’m still in a healing phase, and feeling a little lost emotionally. There are a lot of things coming up in counseling and in my body / energy work that are difficult to process. There are big hurdles. Even though it has been a long time since I’ve had any mental or emotional trauma, I guess I still carry quite a load.
I’m really ready to drop it all, heal, start fresh. My counselor asked if I hadn’t been raised the way I was, and money & health weren’t issues, what would I want to do with my life… what did I want to be when I was a kid before being brainwashed? This question is extremely difficult, and I still have no answer.
Before I go off on another ‘feel sorry for me’ tangent, I’m stopping myself and am going to share pictures of the Vishuddha Quilt in progress instead! Then I’ll be able to publish a post this month!
I was able to get a good photo of my Manipura quilt this week and I’m so thrilled with the results!
This is the photo I had taken before. You know the kind, where you plead with your husband or partner to stand on a chair and hold up the quilt all nice and straight… and this is the best we could get:
See the difference? Wow! Lighting is very important – indirect is best, and having a stand to keep things flat really helps too… and a good camera! I’m lucky I have a friend who helps me with all this, because people only look at photos when they pick quilts for quilt shows – so it really matters that it looks as good as possible.
The more I look at this quilt, the more I love it. It is charged emotionally for me. The story behind the quilt is as follows:
I was doing my nightly yoga practice and a thought popped into my head. It was the realization that it has been 30 years since I’ve seen or talked to any of my 3 younger sisters. I was kicked out of the family home due to religious differences, and they have avoided me ever since. This thought brought me to tears. I cried through my whole yoga routine, it was a deep, ugly cry – you know the type – where you wake up the next day with a puffy face and tired body – that kind of cry.
I knew I needed to process these intense emotions, and I thought of making a quilt, of course. For the next few weeks, I started dreaming about yellow quilts. Yellow fabric, yellow thread, wearing yellow, eating bananas, sewing in the sunshine… all yellow and bright. I also knew I wanted to use triangles to symbolize 30 years / 3 sisters. While these thoughts were bubbling around in my head, I saw my massage therapist who told me about the Manipura Chakra which governs our self-esteem and uses an inverted yellow triangle as its symbol. It also governs all the physical organs that are giving me health issues. That was all I needed to be motivated to create this design!
I wanted to use both green-shade yellows and red-shade yellows in the same quilt – to really show how seemingly very slight differences of opinion can be so glaringly different from each other. The only way I could do that was to add in some neutrals (browns and greys) and I made them look like tears to represent my sadness. What’s interesting is those darker colors really make that center triangle pop out, almost 3-dimensionally! The whole time I stitched on this quilt, I repeated the mantra:
I am confident in all that I do. I am successful and release my creative energy into this reality effortlessly.
I would say this quilt is my statement of independence from both the prescribed religion and family I was born into. I have found myself, my people, and my spirituality all on my own and this quilt reflects that nicely.
Quilting for therapy is probably the best thing I’ve ever stumbled upon… it’s such a great way to process emotion: cutting pretty things apart, then putting them back together to create something completely new and beautiful in a different way. It is so much better than the way I use to deal with emotions, which was to drink them away. Now I have something to show for my time instead of daily hangovers!
I was super lucky to be able to go to the Sisters Outdoor Quilt Show last week! What an amazing show – I’m so thrilled I was able to go see it!!
This trip was a self-test. I have some health issues that prevent me from going too far away from home, but I wanted to see:
If I could drive the whole 3.5 hours there and back through the mountains.
If my exhaustion levels would hold up through a day of seeing many people.
If my digestion could tolerate the time changes and food options.
If I would swell up in the heat.
If I could hold my anxiety in check.
I have to say that I did much better than I expected – even through massive traffic on the way down making my trip closer to 5 hours in the car, I made it there with only a bit of anxiety on the road (steep mountain curves with strobing sunlight through the trees). I would have ridden the bus down if I didn’t have such bad motion sickness.
The best part of the trip was getting to know a few of my guild friends a little better – they were great fun! We sewed together and ate together and laughed a lot. It was really sweet. Everyone had a project and it was nice to discuss the thoughts behind the quilt making. Sometimes our guild meetings are so big, we don’t get to hear about the whole story behind the quilt, so I really enjoyed getting to know these ladies a bit better through their creative process. Totally fun!!
However, I forgot all my nighttime pills/suppliments so I did not sleep well, and we had plans to meet more friends around 7:30am, so I was up early – and if you know me, this is much earlier than I’m used to. Since I wasn’t sleeping well anyway, I decided to enjoy the morning – and it was beautiful! It was even a bit chilly, so it was an easy, gorgeous drive into Sisters. Once I was there, I was happy we left early – the temperature was warm in the sun, but not bad at all!
The show was great, I saw a lot of inspirational quilts! Our PMQG section was beautiful too – many of the Row by Row quilts made last year were on display. I was able to see many people there and meet a few new friends too! I really enjoy meeting people in real life that I’ve only ever met online. It’s part of the reason I really wanted to go – I usually feel a little left out when my body does not have the allowance that others’ have. So I had a lot of fun talking to people and meeting new friends… and seeing some amazing quilts to boot!
Around noon my body started to give way a bit – I started getting tired. Exhausted tired, the kind where you could just fall asleep in the middle of the road if the sun wasn’t glaring down on it right now- kind of tired. Then I started some swelling from ankles and elbows down, and my feet started to have nerve pain, and I knew it was time to go.
It was only 12:30-1pm when I left… and there were a few more people I wanted to see and talk to while I was there – but I was fading fast, and I knew I had a long drive ahead of me, so I decided to leave. I was a little tired while driving, but I got to a rest stop about an hour out of Sisters and stopped and ate some food, drank some water, and stretched… then laid down on the grass in the shade under a tree and closed my eyes for a bit. That little pit stop allowed me to get home without stopping again, so I was home by 5. I said hello to my husband, ate a little and fell asleep.
That was Saturday, it is now Tuesday, and I’m just starting to feel like I can keep my eyes open, and have a desire to eat. While I did well on the trip, it really knocked me out physically. I’m still fairly exhausted, but I’m able to write, so here I am…
There were so many people in Sisters who seemed older, or with health problems… or both. I always wonder how much planning goes into their trips, how do they do it? Is it weird to be so jealous of an able body? I don’t feel I’m that feeble, yet these events are really hard to recover from, so maybe I am…? It certainly colors my future a certain way – and is a little saddening.
So… onto some more positive thinking! I’ve been working on some hand work – La Passacaglia to be exact. I’m only doing a few rosettes for a charity quilt. This pattern is really intense using a pentagon for a base shape rather than a hexagon. There are a lot of small pieces – I did one that was English Paper-Pieced, and one where I traced the shapes on the back of the fabric and stitched them together with a running stitch and Y-seams. The one without EPP went together really fast, so I’m trying another that way using a different size. I have some ideas that are still incubating for this kind of piecing… I hope they lead me to something cool! I’ll be sharing more soon!
If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say… We have a lot in common.
I saw this saying on a shirt recently and it hits the nail on the head. I’ve actually written about 2-3 blog posts a week over the last month, but haven’t posted any of them because there’s not a lot of nice things to say right now. Between the current administration, and things like Fukushima… it becomes difficult to lead a contented life.
I think I’ll leave it at that. No need to fuel any more flames in my heart. So… I want to get back to quilting! Sewing always makes me feel better. I think it’s because the making of something tangible gives me a little sense of accomplishment.
Right now I’m currently hand-quilting Hummingbird No. 2. I quilted the body of the bird with almost invisible silk thread, and I’m using #12 perle cotton thread to stitch vertical lines with larger stitches. I’m really loving how it’s turning out.
I want to add at least 3x the amount of lines I already have… and in different blue thread colors. I think I’m just going to put French Knots in the centers of the flowers and leave them alone otherwise. They might puff out a little more once I quilt more lines into the background.
This is a slow project. I’m just not motivated to push myself to go fast… partially because I’m not ready to start another project just yet. Close, but not quite.
I also just finished my SIBO diet ‘cleanse’ and have some positives and some negatives from it. I did a lot of research into the subject and learned a lot. Mostly what I learned is that there are 2-3 differing viewpoints on how to treat the bacteria overgrowth – and that they are learning as they go. Hopefully more solid information will be discovered as more and more people are having gut issues. (have you seen all the acid reflux and constipation commercials recently??)
Mostly what I’ve learned is that most of the food-like product being sold to us as edible food, should be questioned. Who knew there were so many ties between lobbyists, the FDA, Monsanto, big Pharma, big Ag, the EPA and our government. I learned that a company like Merck or Monsanto can do all research on their own product, show their findings to EPA or FDA (filled with people who used to work for Merck/Monsanto/Bayer/ etc.) and get the “Okay” to make big profits off us… based on their own findings!! There is no real oversight, and that frightens me. It frightens me because almost everyone I talk to 100% believes the EPA and FDA are legitimate agencies for our benefit, when in reality, they are the stamp of approval needed for larger companies to poison us for profit.
YAY! I finished the quilt I made for my friends 50th Birthday, and he now has the quilt so now I can speak and share freely! He was totally surprised and happy with it, and it really made me happy being able to make it for him. Giving is always such a good feeling, and I don’t get to do it as often as I’d like.
I made the quilt to be 68″ x 96″ for my friend (pictured on left) – I wanted it to be long enough for him to sleep with – being tall has challenges! 😉 I’m a little bummed I won’t be able to show it at quilt guild, but I’m happy I was able to give it to him on his birthday!
I used the Trip Around The World block, and named it “50 Trips Around The Sun” which I thought was pretty punny! I used a piece of Kaffe Fassett fabric as my focus fabric to choose the other colors. I wanted it to ‘sparkle’ so I used different shades of solid grey and blues, and yellow-greens. I LOVE how it turned out!
This is my scrappy back – I didn’t have too many scraps for this one so I used an Allison Glass piece that I adore along with this quilt back with “love and blessings” and poetry written all over it. It was perfect for my friend. I used wool batting and did straight lines on the diagonal for quilting. I quilted it on my Juki, and it came out great!
I have a long list of people I’d love to make a quilt for… but the next one will be another ‘healing quilt’ – or a quilt that I make purely for my own need to cleanse and express. I’m starting to think I should go to school to be a counselor and then use quilting as an art therapy. It’s helping me so much in these very dark times.
Speaking of healing… I’ve been on a new health regimen that hopefully will bring me closer to being healthy. I was diagnosed with SIBO a few years back and did a couple rounds of heavy antibiotics to treat it, but they did not work. I’ve adjusted my diet to deal with this, but things have been getting worse, so I took charge and bought a whole bunch of necessary suppliments and am on a Low FODMAP/SCD diet for the next 3 weeks.
I really hope this will help. My nausea keeps me from doing so much. I just saw that Craftsy is having a quilt designer fellowship contest – if you win they set you up with a new sewing machine and a booth at Quilt Market, which would be my dream… if I didn’t get so sick every time I travel. I get sick just going out to eat, I don’t know how I can try any new directions in life until this is figured out. I feel so held back it’s frustrating. I’m lucky that I work at home with my husband who takes care of me when I need it. I really don’t think a job would let me sit in the bathroom for half the day… or would be so lenient when my brain fog causes me to check out completely.
It’s almost like having an autoimmune disease… the kind you can’t see. I don’t look sick, just pregnant (swollen belly from SIBO) and full of acne due to my lack of liver enzymes. However, sometimes I feel like all I want to do is lie down (where ever that may be) from being SO exhausted, sometimes I get nauseas from the most simple things like air fresheners and detergents (definitely from things like shoes/tires/carpets/plastics/perfumes/colognes/anything scented), sometimes I get so swollen my skin itches, or my tongue swells up and it’s hard to talk, my ears ring constantly and loudly -to the point it’s hard to hear anything else, and my head is usually pounding. Plus every joint aches almost all the time. If I happen to eat something ‘bad’… it all goes South from there… think food poisoning – full on with fever sweats – that lasts 2-6 days.
I’m not wanting to complain necessarily… I just wanted to share where I’ve been at. Sometimes sharing helps, and it connects me to others going through the same thing. (Thinking of you, Cath!) The more we share, the more we realize we are not alone. 🙂
The last few weeks have been tough on my body – my pain levels are running high and it’s been rough to ‘get through’. I’m not sure what’s causing the increased inflammation right now, but I’m feeling all my nerve endings today. All. Of. Them. Especially around my teeth – which is worse than any other pain IMHO!
I was recently tested for Degenerative TMJ. I have it in my spine – and recently found out my mother had her whole lower jaw replaced due to DTMJ… so it’s not looking good genetically. I’m trying not to think about this too much, however when your spine and mouth are throbbing, it’s hard to think of anything else.
On that note… I’m trying to keep myself super busy (take my mind off my body) and I’ve been working on a new quilt top that I’m just loving! It’s for a very close friend for his b-day… so I can’t post on FB and I’m really hoping he doesn’t read my blog 😉
It’s a Trip Around The World Quilt. A lot of chain piecing, so I got the top done pretty fast! I’m still adding a 4″ border all around in darker grey – I want to make sure it’s big enough to actually use, and my friend is pretty tall. I’m naming the quilt: “50 Trips Around The Sun” as a play on the block name.
Today I hope to get the back completed as well – I have a 1 yard of awesome backing fabric, and I’m going to piece the rest. I want to use up some of these scraps! So I better get to it! What are you up to this weekend? Better yet… what is your number one pain-reducing go-to plan?
It’s snowing again in Portland! It’s a bit rare that it actually accumulates, but when it does (like last week), everything sort of shuts down around here. The roads get very icy and there are a lot of curves and hills that can be treacherous.
Luckily, I just got back from a dental appointment just ahead of this upcoming storm.
I received some unfortunate news about my teeth. So far there are 3 crowns that have become ‘dis-adhered’ and will need to be replaced. I also have one little cavity. The crowns are what get me a little upset because they are all new – like within the last 2 years… and they are not cheap!
So, before they replace the crowns (for a 3rd time) they plan on doing some resin mold or casting of my teeth to check my bite and to see if my TMJ has become degenerative. If it is, it may be affecting my bite and causing certain areas to hit too hard, and it will need to be addressed before new work is done.
I am now thinking of a way to make extra funds to cover this dental work. I’m starting to consider what I can do in the quilting world that can garner that kind of cash… and I don’t think there are many avenues open there – but I haven’t really tried anything either 😉 Going to put my head into brainstorming mode… maybe I’ll have an idea by the end of this 31 Day Blog Challenge! I’m also just going to put this out there into the universe… you never know who might have the perfect temporary project for me!
For your viewing pleasure today, I’m re-sharing a quilt I made for one of my closest friends in 2012. It’s a string quilt and it’s bright and sunny to offset this snowy grey day!
Oh my, what a morning I’ve had… really not a fan of nausea in any sense, but waking up to it almost every day makes it a little difficult to get out of bed. Today was a doozy. I ended up smoking early, and the immediate relief I felt was so amazing – I think I may be doing the ‘wake-n-bake’ till this symptom passes. (and… no, I’m not pregnant – for all those with that question 😉 )
I don’t write about this awesome weed much… but it is a huge part of my day to day life. So – I figure this is a good topic for the #31 Day Blog Challenge I’m taking part in. With cannabis, I avoid all meds for depression, anxiety, nausea, and insomnia – it also helped me quit cigarettes, meth, and alcohol. It’s the only pain medication I can take that doesn’t make my liver hurt – I just can’t say enough good things about it!
Last year when Cannabis was legalized for recreational use, I made special quilts to celebrate – the first was a large quilt: The Green Cross Quilt, then I made (4) smaller quilts in a series. Even though I’d been on the medicinal plan for years, it was still a big deal. It legitimizes me and so many people I know. It feels great not to have to hide who I am in public, and that is fantastic!
It’s not like I need to have a pipe in my mouth at all times… in fact, I use concentrated oils where each dose lasts a long time, so I don’t feel it interferes with my lifestyle in any way. It also helps me relax and enjoy whatever project I’m currently working on – fantastic for hand-stitching!
I know it’s not for everyone, but it works for me, and I am so absolutely thrilled it’s becoming legal in more and more states. Have you ever tried Cannabis? What was your experience?
Phew… boy oh boy. I have been on a crazy physical and emotional rollercoaster lately, and I’m pretty sure I can chalk it up to getting older and being female. Ugh. I’m sure some of you know exactly what I’m talking about!
Yeah, I think it’s that time. I’m 47 and the average age is 51, so it looks like I’m right on schedule. This is one of those times I wish I could talk to my mom and find out more about her health issues. Instead I’m reading up on the subject and learning a lot on my own about this somewhat intangible thing called peri-menopause.
This could be the base of a lot of my recent ‘mystery symptoms’! The thing that tipped me off was I recently started getting morning sickness… and I’m definitely not pregnant. Who knew this can be a symptom?!? I sure didn’t, and if it’s anything like the morning sickness I had while pregnant 26 years ago, I will be miserable every morning till it’s over. This along with many other fun things like hot flashes are my new reality.
As you know, I need to find a silver lining in everything, or else my depression can take hold and pull me to never never land. So… I’m excited that this may be the cause of other awful symptoms… and it all could be going away soon!! I just have to get over the hump. To do that, I’m immersing myself in quilting.
I brought my Juki in for a cleaning and tune-up and since I’m now without a machine, I started another hexie project! Hexies always cheer me up – they are so freaking cute!
A good friend purchased my Hexie Hummingbird Quilt recently, so I decided to make another one with my left-over hexies. This was much harder to lay out than the first one due to my dwindling resource of made hexies… but I’m still happy with it. This photo is close to the layout I ended up with:
Pretty cute, right? I like it because I’m using bright, big patterned fabrics. Very different than the usual monochromatic patterned fabrics I usually choose. This is going to be fun to sew! I’m going to keep track of my time on this too. It was very interesting to see my time spent on my last quilt, and that helps give me confidence to value my work more accurately.
Speaking of which… this is me with the Manipura Quilt at our most recent PMQG meeting – thanks to Kimberly Lumapas for the photo! I was so nervous I don’t think I was even making any sense up there… but my guild is so supportive! As soon as the quilt unfolded, there was a bunch of applause and it made me feel like a rock star! (a little embarrassed too – if I’m being honest)
I’m really happy with how this quilt turned out, but – I really enjoyed the process of making it more than any other quilt I’ve made so far. Now that I’ve made two Chakra quilts, I think I’m going to follow through and do all seven. It will be a fun design challenge, and if I use the process of quilting for healing – it can only be good!
I recently designed a new quilt that will need to employ foundation paper piecing for accuracy. I was pretty hesitant to start making blocks until I was shown a really neat technique at our PMQG sew day by Rozina who was working on a Pickle-Dish block.
After she showed me how she did paper piecing, I went out and bought a roll of freezer paper and just jumped right in. This is a pretty easy way to get accurate piecing… AND not have to rip papers out at the end.
I haven’t managed to film a good working video yet, so get ready for a lot of photos!
The blocks of this quilt are all the same – using different fabrics. There are 15 blocks in the quilt pattern that are split on an angle to make the inner triangle. Each block finishes at 6.5″ x 9″ – I inversed my pattern and printed it on a piece of lightweight newsprint paper.
From there, I cut freezer paper to 8″x10″ sheets – this gives me plenty of room for additional seam allowance. I took 8 sheets of FP with the paper side up (wax side down) and stapled the paper pattern to the top. I stitched through all layers without thread, then carefully took out the staple. I trimmed the paper to 3/8″ around the pattern to account for seam allowance. This gave me 8 freezer paper templates with perforated lines, ready to use. These templates can be re-used quite a few times, but I opted to make a template for each block to keep things organized better. My machine did fine with 8 sheets, you may need to test yours.
Now the tricky part:
Here is the section of the paper pattern I’m going to demonstrate – it’s highlighted – Block #B1.
I marked the freezer paper with pencil on the paper side – so the marking is inversed. That is a hard thing for my brain to get around due to my dyslexia – I have to triple-check my markings before sewing, and I still get some things mixed up… but basically, if I flip the freezer paper over, the markings will match my pattern.
Heat up the iron, I’m ready to start sewing!
I start from the center section of the block – for this demo, “X” is for solid yellow. I put the fabric right side down, and lay the freezer paper over it (wax side down) and press. Don’t worry about the wax paper on your ironing surface – it peels up easily without residue while still warm.
You can see here while I’m holding this up that the fabric is now adhered to the freezer paper. See how there is at least 1/4″ of extra fabric around the whole “X” section. There is excess on this piece I used, I need to trim that off.So… lay the paper/fabric piece on your cutting table, fabric side down – and carefully peel back the wax paper to the perforated line that marks the “X” section:
Now you are ready to trim that extra piece off, but make sure you add 1/4″ seam allowance first.
Now you are ready to add your second piece of fabric- which, for me are these dots!
With the paper folded over, you can check to see if the fabric is large enough to cover the perforated shape plus seam allowance.
Once you have your fabrics together (right sides together), it’s time to sew. I sew right next to the freezer paper fold. Sometimes I catch a little of the paper, but that’s okay, as long as it is very close to the fold.
Now it’s back to the iron. I lay the piece down so both fabrics are on top,
then I fold one fabric back and press out, just on the seam (very careful NOT to touch the freezer paper!)
Then I flip the whole thing,
double-check the seam matches up to the perforated line,
fold the paper back over the fabric and press.
Now I have two pieces stitched together, and I’m ready to trim the dots and add my next section.
So, I fold back the paper to the perforated line that denotes this section,
And trim adding 1/4″ seam allowance.
Add next piece of fabric (solid yellow in this case) and sew closely to the folded paper line.
Open and press as before, careful not to iron over the wax part of the paper.
And… as you can see… I make mistakes sometimes! This second solid yellow piece is sewn on backwards – it doesn’t cover it’s “X” section the way I sewed it on, so I had to do a little seam ripping. It didn’t affect the paper at all.
I was able to reuse the piece, I just had to carefully place it before stitching so it would cover the whole section, and still have seam allowance.
After stitching and pressing, this is how it is supposed to look!
I keep adding sections, one at a time, out to one edge,
then start in the center again to work toward the other side.
Once all the sections are covered, I consider the block DONE! I’m leaving the paper on and not trimming the sides until I’m ready to start sewing them together.
All my markings are still on the back – which should make layout a snap.
Here are three finished blocks all lined up:
I’m so excited to start sewing this quilt together! I guess you could say I’m a little obsessive – all I want to do is sew. Things like eating, cleaning, and work tend to become frustrating distractions, and I have to check myself to make sure I stay grounded. I have to say, with corporations trying to destroy our planet, and politicians just helping them along… it’s extremely easy for me to lose myself in a project like this.
I hope this little tutorial was as informative and inspiring for you as it was when it was shown to me!
A few weeks back I had an intense emotional release during my yoga practice, I wrote about it here. Ever since, I’ve been envisioning how to purge those emotions through quilting. I’ve also been dreaming about sewing a yellow quilt, so I designed one!
I spoke with my Cranial Sacral Therapist about all this. I told her how I wrote about it on my blog and she found it interesting that I’m being so open about my emotions in that very public way. She reminded me of how I felt like an outsider when I was a kid, and how I usually try to be invisible as an adult. It’s a protective act – not be seen or noticed – to keep myself safe from ridicule/pain/nerves. This new ‘showing of emotions’ should be taken as a sign to move past the fear, and to believe in my self-worth. I showed her my design, and we both think my Solar Plexus Chakra that is screaming for attention.
The Solar Plexus Chakra, also called Manipura, is the 3rd chakra and is based just below the diaphram. It is where our will power comes from, and our ability to achieve, self-esteem, raw emotions, and self-discipline are seated there. This energy system governs the large intestines, the stomach, the digestive system, the adrenal glands, the pancreas, the liver and the lungs. When you have a ‘gut’ feeling about something, it is this energy source that is communicating to your brain.
Yellow, fire, and sunflowers are all positive symbols of this chakra, and so is a downward pointing triangle. My design is perfect for this project.
With my anxiety, liver, digestive issues, it makes total sense that this is where I need to work energetically. I need a better sense of self. To help heal this chakra, the mantra I need to keep repeating is:
I am confident in all that I do. I am successful and release my creative energy into this Reality, effortlessly.
So I’m repeating this over and over as I stitch away. One fun fact is that this is my second try at foundation paper piecing, and I’m learning a lot as I go!
The paper piecing technique using freezer paper that my friend Rozina showed me, works great! I’m going to work on a tutorial for that soon!
Looking at the design again I see so much more symbolism – there is the center triangle standing apart from the background. That is representing my self-worth – and it’s made up of many other smaller triangles, that represents my friends and family who are super supportive. The darker edges around the center triangle sort of look like feathers, but really represent all the tears and negativity shed over the years, so I could find myself.
It might seem weird to use quilting as therapy, but for me – it works. I think it’s extremely therapeutic to work with texture and color, and to work and create something completely new with your own hands. While working on the Root Chakra quilt, I connected with that quilt, that project, everything about it, was healing for me. I’m happy to work through emotional baggage as I sew. Plus, I think the end result radiates the energy I put into it.
I am confident in all that I do. I am successful and release my creative energy into this Reality, effortlessly.
There have been many times where I have felt socially awkward, and I’m trying to change that. I’m always enamored with people who feel comfortable in most situations – the ones who can always speak their minds, no matter what anyone thinks. I’d love to be one of those people!
If you read my blog, you know I have some health issues: fatty liver, IBS, SIBO, degenerative disc disease, vertigo, low thyroid, and gluten intolerance. I don’t have insurance and work on my own behalf with the help of a Naturopathic Doctor towards health. This has brought me to a place where I practice yoga and meditation every night before going to sleep, along with dietary changes, suppliments, and bodywork. I thoroughly believe I can heal my liver, and that will help all bodily systems.
Why am I writing all this openly…? Well, last night during my meditation, I was overcome with a wave of extreme emotion – as in immediate sobbing – I think it was a sort of breakthrough.
I was thinking about how next year is my 30th HS reunion year – which is big. I graduated early in January 1987, and I was kicked out of my family’s house that February over religious differences… locked out, actually. My memory went right to my 3 younger sisters crying behind the oval window in the big front door of my house after the folks locking me out because I spent the night at a friends house who wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness.
The realization that that was my last encounter with any of my sisters -seeing or talking to them… and it has been almost 30 years! It hit me like a ton of bricks. I worked through my whole routine while crying. I thought I was emotionally ‘over’ all of this stuff – it has been 3 decades after all… but no, all I could think about was the family I lost due to religion. Three sisters, 30 years. I don’t even know their last names since they’ve all been married. So sad. I also have a brother who was born after I left home – I have yet to meet him, but he recently left the religion too! I may have a bit of family after all… but, my real question is this: How do I grieve a family that is not even dead, people who only choose not to talk to me…?
It also made me think of my youth, and how separated from everyone else I was. I was 5 when my parents ‘found God’ and we moved to the middle of nowhere in the country. I was isolated just by where I lived. Plus,we weren’t allowed to celebrate holidays, so I had to sit in the hallway at school for every event. I was also not allowed to pledge allegiance to the flag, and many people gave me the stink-eye for that too. I didn’t get to do any extra-curricular activities, or have friends that weren’t JW’s. To top it off, most of the JW friends I did have, didn’t hang with me much due to the fact my dad was an elder in the congregation, I think they avoided me so they wouldn’t get it trouble themselves. So… I’ve always been a bit of a loner.
After a bit of memory flash, I started thinking of the relationship with my own daughter, how wonderful it is – how wonderful she is. And I just can’t, for the life of me, imagine kicking her out of my life – over a difference in belief. I love her so much… makes me wonder just HOW my parent’s can hold tight to their “tough love” approach for all this time. I just don’t understand.
I think it’s important for me to figure this out. I need to vent or release these emotions – of course what comes to mind is making a quilt. I think I need to make a quilt that will help remember my family with love and forgiveness, and then be able to move on. I had hopes that at some point they would open their eyes and see things for what they are, and leave that religion… or at least be open to respecting my beliefs so we can have a relationship again. Those hopes are dwindling down to nothing, and I have to come to terms with the fact I may never see or hear from them again, which I have to admit, seems worse than if they had died.
I have always been set apart from the group, and the one group I thought truly loved me (my family) has separated themselves from me. I think this is all part of why I feel so awkward and uncomfortable in most social situations, but I’m getting better. It just makes me think of all the multiple reasons some people are socially awkward… and I have a lot of empathy when I see it. You just never know what someones’ experience might be.
Thanks for reading my thought release from this emotionally heavy meditation. Sharing is very therapeutic in ways I can’t quite put my finger on… and it is also inspiring me to start a new quilt project.
It will be interesting to see what visually comes with this release. I did the same thing when I made my Root Chakra quilt as I was dealing with emotions that dealt with fear of death, a need for health, and a foundation to base it all on. That quilt really speaks to me and I’m proud of the work I did on it, both visually and emotionally.