Recently I’ve been having an extremely difficult time being creative. Mostly due to mental health issues. It’s hard being social or doing much other than doomscrolling or bing-watching some silly tv show. I feel emotionally shutdown. I’m not even sure I can talk about it all yet, or fully write about it here – but I do feel a need to express myself. So I’m going to write here now and decide later if I’ll post this.
The Thing
In August of 2025, I started seeing a mental health therapist regularly due to what we’ve been calling “The Thing”. This thing has altered my sense of identity and my reality. I have been dissociating. This thing is something that has crushed my spirit fully. I have spent the last 9 months searching for information that will soften the blow, but I am at a complete loss. My creative focus is non-existent.
I keep trying to get back on track with day to day life, but every night is full of nightmares… if I can actually fall asleep. My exhaustion is over the top, but I’m getting support and working through it. Unfortunately, I am coping with circumstances beyond my control – even with therapy. I can’t change what other people choose to feel and do. I can only change my own choices. Right now I’m working on healing and looking at a few life changes to help me in that direction.
Confusion and Options
I’m still confused and trying to navigate the different options I have in my life. I am seeing a therapist and we are constantly working on emotional regulation and self-care. Cptsd has been diagnosed from past family issues, religious trauma, homelessness, SA’s, and abusive relationships. I’m also being evaluated for ADHD and Autism Spectrum.
All this to say that I was probably not a very stable person to begin with, that I never really processed the emotional strains I’ve experienced in childhood and since. However, nothing prepares you for betrayal trauma. The person I trusted most for the last 29 years had a long term affair starting 20 years ago and kept it secret until I found out last year. It’s hard to tell people, so writing it here. Not many read this, but if you do – now you know what’s been up with me lately.
I constantly question how I didn’t catch it sooner. I question everything and everyone now. Therapists call it hyper-vigilance. Feeling confused and looking for change is not where I want to be right now… but here we are. No matter which option I choose for my life direction, I’m deeply hurt with many ‘triggers’ and I’m not sure what to do to feel better, or if that’s even a possibility right now.
Reality
I’m trying to get back into reality. Into MY reality – my true identity. I currently still live with my husband, staying married but separated in the house. We have a business together, so we do talk and interact – but we’re keeping separate otherwise. For now I’m working on my independence and trying to establish my own foundation. Working hard on figuring out the things I like – without influence.
I’m reassessing my financial options. I need to be financially independent so I can make decisions that are not based out of need. There are so many things that make working a regular job out of reach for me. My best option is to focus on what I can do here in my house on my own… which is where I can do the most – and for me that looks like being creative and start sewing again.
So, there are few things I can do – like getting my patterns fully updated! I know I dropped the ball on all my plans last year when my world fell apart… but I am slowly working on those.
Venting
It does feel good to write this. I spent the last 4 months deliberating posting these words and making it all public. This is hard for me. It is extremely embarrassing to fully love someone who was not fully reciprocating. We are doing our separate work and I’ve started an SSRI that is helping immensely. Things are progressing with therapy. For now I plan to use my quilting as another ’emotional vent’. Working with colors and textures is so soothing to me and lets me get lost in creativity – which is a much better place than negative ruminations.
I’ll be working on updating my site and store with quilt patterns as well as actual quilts. I’m also going to be setting up the things I’ve designed that we had on our screen printing site. I hope to learn more about better social connections and plan to do videos of hand-stitching tutorials via YouTube.
I would like to apologize to those that have been asking for my quilt patterns: Kaleidoscope and Swirling Oceans. Both of these are with copy-editors and I haven’t had time or the emotional fortitude to meet up and go over these patterns to be able to publish yet. But I’ll do that as soon as I am able. Thanks to all who have been so patient with me.
This really has been a difficult year. Not an excuse, but I did feel it important to express.